Van Drunkenmiller

Vanifesto - Van’s 10 (Dis)Principles

The market giveth, the Fed taketh away, and I drink in between.

Liquidity is like whiskey, it's great in the beginning, disastrous if you don’t know when to stop.
Don’t fight the Fed...unless you’re hammered and they’re hiking. Then throw hands and rate futures.
Diversification is for people who don’t believe in themselves or tequila.
Buy low, sell high… or just hold and pray while ordering another round.
Risk management is knowing when to hedge, and when to hide under a table.
Past performance is no guarantee of future results, which is just like texting my ex.
Alpha is fleeting. Hangovers feel eternal. Trade sober, drink after.
The market can stay irrational longer than I can stay sober. And I’ve trained.
Technical analysis is just astrology with a Bloomberg Terminal. Still use it.
In times of panic, be greedy. In times of euphoria, be gone. To Cabo.

Frequently Avoided Questions

Is this financial advice?

Only if your portfolio runs on regret and bourbon. Otherwise, assume this is for entertainment, legal safety, and emotional volatility.

What’s your investment strategy?

I buy things that go up and sell them after they stop. Sometimes I reverse that, just to keep the market guessing.

Can I short the dollar and my ex at the same time?

Legally? No. Emotionally? Already done it. Just hedge with tequila.

Do you actually understand macro?

Unfortunately, yes. I know how deficits, rates, and liquidity flows affect markets. I just choose to explain it like a bartender with a Bloomberg terminal.